Welcome to Powder River County, Montana!

The terrain is barren and unforgiving and so are many of the people.

The first thing that happens when you drive through town is you will lose brain cells reading signs like "The wavingest town in Monatana" and plaques immortalizing the phrase "Let 'er buck." Yikes.

The next thing you should do is watch the kids movie The Croods.The same rules apply for Powder River County and The Town of Broadus: Anything new is bad. Curiosity is bad. Change is bad. Basically, anything fun is bad.

Moving here might seem like a good idea, from the outside it appears to be one of the last freedom strongholds in the United States, but only if you were born here or married someone born here with a legacy last name.

If you have an adventurous spirit and think you can tough it out or win people over, good luck. Be sure to avoid working for the County Government at all costs.

Working for the many ranchers may seem like a good idea, with the wind whipping through your hair, just you and the animals, but be prepared to be dismissed on a whim without notice and have a plan when it happens.

In fact, it is better if you don't have to work at all. Not sure why an independently wealthy person would choose here when the sky is the limit, but to each their own.

If you are into drugs, alcohol, and mayhem this is the place for you. There are very little consequences for any f*ckery you cause while high or intoxicated. Sure you might spend a couple of days in jail and get a stern talking to by the not-judge, elected judge, but hey that's a drop in the bucket compared to other places.

Now that laws have been brought in, let's revisit the County Government. Three elected Commissioners, all legacy ranchers, who recently voted to drop the amount of work they do by 50%. So instead of earning $50,000 a year for two days of work per week, they only work one day a week and collect the same amount. What this means is if anything needs attention you need to be an extremely squeaky wheel because they don't remember what they are working on from one week until the next. Also, if you are not another elected official your opinion and ideas don't matter. If they offer you a job, just run. They will dangle the state retirement system, vested at five years and paid for life after retirement. That five years will be the most miserable of your life and the nominal payment you will receive with just five years of service is just not worth it. Take a viable job somewhere else and start an IRA. You will be happier. How can this be? Why doesn't someone change this? They are elected by the public and immune from complaints and any adverse criticism or action. The elected officials protect their own above anything else.

This brings us to the fourth "commissioner" also known as the Clerk and Recorder. Self-proclaimed of course. This person has more sperm donors than brain cells and shares what few brain cells they have with their spouse, who is surprise, surprise, also the town mayor and only "successful" contractor in the area. Conflict much? But don't bring that up because now you are just being mean. Be careful what you do and say in the Courthouse because this person spends their time monitoring the audio and video recordings from the extensive video camera system for infractions committed by the average employee. They apparently have more power than anyone else in the local government. On paper they are the elected clerk and recorder, but in reality, they are also the fourth commissioner that influences the other three and should not by any means be questioned or challenged. They are also the sole representative and decision maker for the human resources department, the sole decision maker for the treasurer's office, contract bids, and anything else they want to take control of. This person treats employees like servants and when anyone complains the response is "I am elected and the employee policy manual does not apply to me. I can do whatever I want." Which is exhibited when they collectively take money from other departments and dump it into the general fund and hope no one notices it or openly condoning drug use amongst employees. How does this happen? Why the voters of course. They chose this.

The not-judge, Judge is also from? Surprise, another legacy ranching family. We call this person the not-judge because they would not be qualified to be a judge anywhere else due to the fact that they did not attend any law school, have never been a lawyer and only have a BS in criminal justice. Be prepared for lots of finger wagging and stern lectures if you find yourself in this court. But that's what the voters want right?

In all fairness to the not-judge, they were elected by ranchers so throwing the book at said ranchers or their children is frowned upon. In order to exhibit total fairness, which this person does, no one gets what they really deserve.

This brings us to the court jester of a county attorney. If you know, you know. This subject would take far too long to explore and would just cause heartburn and a headache. If you see this person walk into a restroom, just hold it and walk away. If you know, you KNOW.

You can commit some pretty serious crimes and expect the most lenient prosecution, most often without jail time. Plea deals are the name of this attorney's game.

Last, but certainly not least in the whole line of why Powder River County the worst place in the world to work is the Sheriff's Department. The Sheriff's claim to fame is that he was a ranch hand that got laid off and needed a job. The only thing available was to run for sheriff. The campaign was brilliant and effective - get the votes at the bar and kiss the asses of all of the other elected officials. Think Captain Harris from the Police Academy movies with "Dork" emblazoned on his chest at the beach combined with Mr. Potato head in a cowboy hat and lifted boots, while you are at it add a healthy dose of paranoia and an overdose of attention seeking greed. The second in command thinks he's a combination of Sigmund Freud (despite not having any education to back it up) and Rambo. Both are military veterans, not of high level like they claim, but still worthy of thanks for their service to this country. That being said, unless you like power trips, imagined games, and more drama than America's Next Top Model, I would steer clear entirely. The rest of the deputies are sourced from the bottom of the barrel (those seeking retirement or a leg up in a tough job market), a result of the previous well trained, educated deputies in their prime being run off by the hostile work environment. Now initiatives don't include being tough on drugs or DUIs, the most prominent reason for vehicular fatalities, they include sending a single deputy to sniper school. Not sure what there is to snipe in a town of 500 and county of 1500, but ok. So now Barney Fife is walking around with a sniper rifle.

If you have the misfortune of calling 911, be prepared to deal with dispatchers that are poorly trained and may not turn down whatever trashy tv show they are watching. Good luck filing any complaints because most of them are on gummies (not the grocery store kind) and won't remember talking to you the next day. Sad part is they openly admit this in public, zero shame. Good luck with email, they act like they can't read. However, if you have a scanner like most of the county then you can listen and when you hear something interesting you can call and gossip with them about it.

All idosyncracies aside, the Sheriff's department is hobbled by the local beliefs that ranchers can do whatever they want on private property, including giving their kids tobacco and alcohol at brandings, doing drugs, and driving while intoxicated on their own property and there is nothing that can be done about it. The ranchers elected the sheriff and he appointed his undersheriff, it just won't do to upset their constituents so they have to invent other things to be upset about.

The Town of Broadus is separate from Powder River County or should be, remember the fourth commissioner? The Mayor of Broadus is the spouse of that fourth commissioner. This person has borrowed brain cells from their spouse and the cells are at war with each other. How does this happen? Too much pot and alcohol. Why would this person be the choice to represent the town? The previous mayor was in his 90s and obviously needed to be replaced. No one else wanted it. So who was old man river replaced with? A doppleganger for the characters in dumb and dumber.

As for other public service jobs:

If you are medically centered, just keep moving. Nothing here to see here. A community clinic that refuses to see people with urgent problems, a public health department that is so out of touch with reality you might as well be in the twilight zone, and an ambulance station that should have been condemned years ago. You will need to carry hefty malpractice insurance, even at the lower levels because your legal defense is the county attorney mentioned above.

Back to that ambulance station, it belongs on an episode of hoarders. It makes you wonder about the ambulances and the workers. Most are ranchers that respond (slowly) so they can be nosey about your business and do little to help you aside from chat with you or sit behind you on the way to the hospital and then talk about your business afterwards. Often in the past it was the volunteers or officers that responded and tried to convince you to shake it off and not go to the hospital. There are now a couple of paramedics and they have saved a lot of lives, but to my understanding they are not well respected because they came with a lot of experience no one wants to acknowledge, they are not locals, and they haven't had a day off in like 4 years, which means they are crabby and intolerant of stupidity. Let's be real, there's lots of stupidity. Good luck voicing your opinion because of something you saw on tv, learned from a random person, or googled. Generally if someone has something bad to say I chalk it up to the stupid category. Although it's hard to imagine why they haven't cleaned up that mess of a station yet or why they are even still here after all of the really bad behavior in this county.

The same with being fire fighter. The fire department touts a robust wildland team, with a mix of old fogies and young guys just trying to find their way. They will protect and save ranches (hay and cows), but if your house catches on fire be prepared for it to burn to the ground. Hopefully you have homeowner's insurance. If you have a basement you are in luck, in the entire history of the fire department they have never lost a basement. If you need medical help or CPR don't call the fire department, they are too good for that. Be prepared for everyone to know your business, the fire department is a veritable hen house.

I know what you are thinking, what is the deal here? Why this place so horrible? Maybe it's something in the water. Well you aren't far off. If you like arsenic and radiation be sure to pour yourself a big glass and enjoy. There are abnormally high rates of cancer and multiple sclerosis in the community, this not a coincidence.

Not all of it can be blamed on the water.

If you are invited to the "book club" by any prominent members of society, decline immediately. Unless of course you want to join the wrinkly rabbit swinger orgy that the book club is the cover for.

Residents here swap spouses more frequently than you would think would be possible, which is why all of the kids look like siblings in the class pictures at school. That was a nice way of calling out the obvious inbreeding in the area due to a lack of variety in the genetic dating pool.

Because the IQs are so low and there is so much the kids have to overcome they are raised with an overdose of self-importance.If you are not another legacy rancher parent the direction that is given to the kids is met with pushback because they are special and they don't have to listen to any subservient peons that are not from legacy families in Powder River County.The kids are placed in sports with gusto, parents patting themselves on the back for having the next top athlete, until reality sets in that the top athlete in Powder River County is worse in skill than the lowest level athletes in almost all of the other areas. The enthusiasm is boosted by elaborate "send offs" to each out of area sporting event with the Deputies, Fire truck, and Garbage truck circling the courthouse in solidarity.In the classroom the kids are taught psychology and how to opt out of everything for the day for mental health. Good luck in real life, it's not like you can opt out of taking care of your own children or doing your job when lives depend on it.The kids are graduating with the goals of studying social studies and psychology in college instead of actually picking a productive path that will lead to a viable career.College is culture shock for these kids, most choose to attend the ultimate party school: University of Montana in Bozeman. Many don't graduate and return home to work on the ranches. The ones that do graduate still come home to work on the ranches. The ones the graduate from professional schools still return home to cater to those who own ranches.

Forget housing in Powder River County. The county seat, Broadus, is land locked by greedy ranchers who refuse to sell even the smallest portion of land that is not even in use to support the town, not even to build a critical access hospital and the housing to support the staff needed to run it. Instead, they would rather their family and friends be hauled by ambulance 80 miles to the nearest hospital in an emergency.However, they will consider selling some land to bring in a large truck stop to add to the semi truck traffic on a two lane highway and all of the joyful things that includes such as lot lizards, drugs, violence, and increased alcohol use.

The houses are old, most built without building codes, never updated or have illegal add ons. You will have to do a considerable amount of repairs and upgrades to bring the house up to date. Often the ranchers scoop up any available houses to use as rentals and places to sleep during their kids sporting events. If you even think for an instant you will become a successful rancher you better have some seriously deep pockets because purchasing land is a fight and so is building anything.

You would think, surely this would be the area for freedom of the press. Wrong. The only thing the newspaper is good for here is the play by play on high school sports, school menu, commissioner proceedings as edited by the fourth commissioner, and the auction schedules.

So you see, nothing to see here, unless you want to feel like you are in an episode of X-Files, you know the one they banned from every station because it was just too disturbing. Just move along.

Disclaimer:
This page is for satire only, however if you identified with any of the information and the shoe fits, be sure to lace that beautiful bitch up and wear it.